16 Universal Truths And Other Random Thoughts

prom_origin_beyonce-knowles-

Dear Readers,

I have a lot of random thoughts that is the price of being awesome, at least that is what I tell myself. Here are 16.

1) If you eat chinese food any where on the planet you have a 50% chance of getting sick. I started making my own but sometimes I like to stare death in the face.

image

2) Why do people press the elevator button repeatedly? Does it make the elevator move faster?

3) If you can make it in New York you can make it anywhere. If you live off the A train you can overcome any and all of life’s ills.

4) Your prom dress always looks bad 7 years after the fact. Mine was inspired by Beyonce when she was in the riveting, world renowned, critically acclaimed film Carmen: The Hip Hopera. Clearly none of my friends truly loved me.

image

5) Why is “Organic” a selling point? What was I eating before organic became popular?

6) Do companies that make products intended for animals, test on animals? If they don’t how do you know it works?

7) Why does hot sauce have so much sodium in it? Go ahead and read the nutritional label, I’ll wait.

8) Can you daydream at night?

9) Do prison buses have emergency exits?

10) Can you cry under water? If you can I would call it “Drake Drowning.”

11) Why isn’t there a “professionally acceptable” version of LOL or smiley face. How can I playfully (and passive-aggressively) laugh off that I am not working a longer shift? Plus what do you say if it was actually funny?  I have tried “hehehe” but it seems juvenile.

“Hey A.V. we need you to xyz.”

Me: Absolutely not.

image

12) Why is there an expiration date on yogurt, sour cream or aged cheese?

13) Wouldn’t it be cool to be able to watch a replay of our childhood (imagine a viewing party) with our parents commentary? Sort of like the director’s cut. It would be funny to see the moment when you thought you were “getting over” on them and them stating we spared your live that day. 

14) I am starting to come to terms that I may have been a weird child. I had good intentions, but weird nonetheless.

15) Peppermint castile soap with exfoliating gloves are the closes thing to physically washing away your sins. It is amazing trust me.

image

Repentance.

16) If you give someone directions, a cup of coffee or a shot of vodka they may tell you their whole life story. If it is a combination of all three the story will be hilarious.

Bonus

If I knew how to sing my life would be a musical. I wouldn’t speak, every interaction would be a song and dance. Think Gene Kelly. One of my secret dream jobs is to be a background dancer, by the way. Maybe that is why I thought the Carmen prom dress was a good idea. Who knows.

image

~A.V.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *