As a DIYer it behooves me to be aware that it is called “The” Home Depot but who really adds the The? No one that’s who. I have been to several home depot locations over the years and without fail I have met these 5 people within every single one.
I am not sure if Home Depot has a low retention rate but I always seem to meet the person that started working 15 minutes ago. So new that their work email isn’t confirmed but somehow finds a way to get lost in aisle 47a. They know their stuff but they just don’t know where anything is. “Nothing” includes but isn’t limited to: paint, glue, drill bits, cleaning products, the restroom or the parking lot. The bright side is that they will work diligently to help and their “go-to” for assistance is, the computer. The website will inform them that the product is in stock but the newbie cannot locate it in the store. The only escape is to severe ties and venture on your own.
Favorite Quote: *Flustered* “We have it this in stock, the computer says it supposed to be here but I just can’t seem to find it.”
Jaded Jimmy or Jane
This person can be confused with the newbie because it is apparent they enjoy their job. Always smiling, friendly, sociable, real warm and likable. The biggest problem is they are too friendly. They wander all over the store meeting everyone and exchanging DIY ideas and tips but not really showing customers where the the screw guns are. Whatever you are looking for they kinda know where it is. These people you want to invite for dinner only after you get The OG to help build your table.
Favorite Quote: *Points in a random direction* “It is 3 aisles down on the right.”
Strong And Wrong
S.A.W is the person you need to avoid at all costs. They are waiting for The OG to retire or die so they can rise up the chain of command. The problem is they know ABSOLUTELY nothing. They have a tone in their voice that sounds knowledgeable and it is a breath of fresh air from The Newbie, but nah. How to spot them: They walk very fast because it looks busy but will spend most of the day giving bad advice. Think Steve Harvey with a tool belt.
Favorite Quote: “You need light bulbs? Follow me…to the paint section.”
The OG isn’t in this picture because they are somewhere on the floor not giving a damn that Martha Stewart is in the store. This person has screwdrivers older than you and can remember when tools were made from good materials and “not this crap now.” You can often find The OG with a newspaper and wearing glasses, I am not sure why that is the uniform but trust me it is. If you have the time The OG will walk you through your entire project from start to finish. The downside? They are older so naturally you will be scolded and your ego will be broken. They don’t care what you researched on the “interwebs,” everyone is wrong: you, your list, HGTV, Martha Stewart even Home Depot. Studies show they have costs The Home Depot millions of dollars by telling customers all the things they don’t need.
Favorite Quote: *Chuckles at your checklist* “You don’t need that.”
Imagine if 17 “pointers” gathered at the beginning of the lumber section. With sawdust they come together like the Voltron full of warm welcomes and semi-productivity. When you arrive it is always like you showed up a minute too late. The feeling that you missed out on a good joke is prominent. Most likely the they will include you in this 30 second handy man secret society. Rejoice!
Favorite Quote: “Hey, do you have Pinterest?”
Have you met any of these people at Home Depot?